<![CDATA[www.hedgeline.weebly.com - Humor]]>Sun, 03 May 2026 01:09:56 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[Some Celebrity Quotes]]>Mon, 14 Apr 2025 14:37:41 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/april-14th-2025
 "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." - Isaac Asimov
"Money is not everything, but it ranks right up there with oxygen." - Zig Ziglar
 "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits." - Albert Einstein
 "My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'" - Rodney Dangerfield
"If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama
 "Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." - Dale Carnegie
 "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." - Dennis Wholey
 "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." - Margaret Mead
 "The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." - Abraham Lincoln
 "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." - Charles M. Schulz
 "Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." - John Wayne
 "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson]]><![CDATA[March 15th, 2025]]>Sat, 15 Mar 2025 17:10:25 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/march-15th-2025Political Quotes. 

"I resent your insinuendoes."

"No man is an Ireland."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate." -- Dan Quayle

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."

"Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation." -- Marion Berry

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

"In 1994, Americans stand on the horns of an enema."]]><![CDATA[Received from Joke du Jour.]]>Sun, 12 May 2024 21:16:05 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/received-from-joke-du-jourThe first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

If you solved the NY Times' Saturday crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.

A word of advice... don't give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in... therefore, I am.

A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases... deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Once you pass 40, your "big break" will probably be a bone.

Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality... it's about politics.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Received from Joke du Jour.

]]><![CDATA[Women's Marriage Seminar]]>Sun, 28 Apr 2024 19:12:16 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/womens-marriage-seminarFrom BBe41414
Women's Marriage Seminar
- A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
- Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

- Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
- Below are hilarious 12 replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love... Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!

​]]><![CDATA[Memes]]>Sat, 20 Jan 2024 15:29:39 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/memes
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]]><![CDATA[Put to the tune of Sleigh Ride]]>Wed, 15 Nov 2023 00:05:21 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/put-to-the-tune-of-sleigh-ridecopyright Hedge Line News 

Just hear those car bells beeping 
It’s time for traffic to move…. 
Come on it’s time for shopping
For Christmas presents and food.

Outside the weather’s modified 
Which won’t be on the news…. 
Pretend it’s lovely weather 
And we’ll pray for better priced food… 

Prices up, Prices up, Prices up,
Oh my, inflation has grown….
I think that President Biden must not know. 

It was free, it was free, it was free, 
they said, for all of our care,
Even if we fund 2 wars 
And bring immigrants in to spare!

Our cheeks are frosty frozy
Because we don’t have warm air, 
The governments are punishing 
Those who use more than their share.

We know the cold before us 
Is just a way to prepare, 
For when the rich guys close on us 
Homes, and mortgage shares.

There’s an LGBT party and a 
“Q” parade 
They are hinting JFK still lives ,
Like Lincoln,  Abe

There’s a brand new rocket 
developed by Stargate’s Elon Musk, 

To put people on a planet made of oxide dust! 
Cough cough cough! 

The SEC regs make it hard 
for  crypto buys,
Pretty soon though we’ll see XRP go up, sky high! 
Because that’s what the experts have said on alternative news, 
We were waiting for them to tell us what to do! 

Because the economy’s growing
At least their saying it’s true, 
This year we have no worries, 
Aside from truthers like you,
But soon the net will censor them
Along with all their  fake news,
At least that’s what the order says
That wants to make everything New.







]]><![CDATA[An Anti-Sponsor for this program ...]]>Fri, 14 Jul 2023 12:18:33 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/an-anti-sponsor-for-this-program
]]><![CDATA[Stressed about the kids?]]>Sun, 09 Jul 2023 22:24:37 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/stressed-about-the-kids
​https://rumble.com/v2z3iyg-stressed-about-kids.html
]]><![CDATA[The Wit and Wisdom of Will Rogers]]>Fri, 07 Jul 2023 10:25:13 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-will-rogersThe Wit and Wisdom of Will Rogers

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

You've got to go out on a limb sometimes because that's where the fruit is.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

Work to make a living; serve to make a life.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.]]><![CDATA[Parent's Lounge]]>Mon, 03 Jul 2023 19:54:59 GMThttps://www.hedgelinenews.com/humor/parents-loungeParent 1:
"My son is not so good at spelling and today he finally did some writing, via typing on the computer...and says 'Sorry but I didn't know how to turn off autospell.' Oh well... my failure to properly teach him how to spell is safely hidden."
Parent 2:
"Pretty soon we won't be able to write, navigate, or calculate without a computer."
Father  Cave Man:
"Pretty soon we won't be able to slay a pig, people will just go buy them at grocery stores." ]]>